50 Shades of WTF?

“hope the kids don’t want a popsicle tonight”

 

“Dear Penthouse Forum…I never believed these letters, but then one day it happened to me.”

That’s the only thing missing from the latest piece of craptastic drivel to capture the female heart. “50 Shades…”, the trilogy, has female readers all a-twitter and hot & bothered. I’m sincerely beginning to doubt the mental stability of the fairer sex. Think about the concepts that seem to leave women on the verge of collapse:

  • Love from a vampire. Or a werewolf. Or both, really does it matter? Do you know women bought dildos that freeze so they could simulate sex with the un-dead? Okay, that’s perfectly normal.
  • The Bachelor/The Bachelorette ~ a contest where media whores get to act like real whores in an effort to find “true” love. Women go bonkers for this show, cry when their “favorite” (usually the puss in the group) gets the boot, and let their minds wander to a world where 25 men vie for their attention & go on helicopter rides to unicorn waterfalls with giant magical butterflies. Somehow these kids just can’t make it work.
  • Boy Bands ~ it wasn’t men who created fame for all these little knuckleheads lip-syncing their way thru puberty. Justin Bieber was not a by-product of dudes with an appreciation of good music. Nope, it’s women. Women are responsible for unbelievably bad music – every crappy “boy” artist dating back to Leif Garrett can be attributed to girls losing their respective sh-t while listening to 15-year old sing about his “Baby.”

And please don’t misunderstand, I’m not dogging on the little 14 year old girls who lose their minds at a Mall concert – I’m referring to the grown-ass women who turn into nutty, obsessive sycophants for the damnedest of things.

So, please ladies, educate us – what’s with the vampire/werewolf/sado-masochistic love? We’re willing to learn…I’ve already offered the Mrs. an ass-whipping if that will help matters, maybe I should bite her, too?

 

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