We all know them…we may have actually spawned children with one, and we likely have at least one extended family member who’s part of the team. “Douchebags.” Some are easy to spot, thanks to Ed Hardy, Affliction, and an ever-expanding Under Armour collection, they even have their very own fashion line. Others wear the mark of the “tribe,” normally a barbwire tattoo around the arm. To be fair, none of us are completely immune – there are douchey tendencies that can suck even the manliest man over the line (bleached my hair once, ergo I was a douche.)
But this list isn’t ranking spares like you and I…this list is for those special folks who are in the public eye, have fame, fortune (or both), yet still feel compelled to be complete DB’s. Here are your April 2012 DB rankings:
1. Roger Clemens ~ Yes, the Rocket is topical because of his HGH trial, but I’m of the opinion that his inherent douchiness was formulated way before he & the Missus started swapping needles (yup, she took ’em too). He was a pioneer of the mullet, diddled around with crazy teenage country star(?) Mindy McCready, and literally doubled in size with the help of the juice. His saving grace in his perjury trial will be that his best friend is swamp-stupid (Andy Pettite) and may be of no use to prosecutors.
2. John Edwards ~ Slime-ball extraordinaire, JE somehow walked on his charges after a mis-trail was announced; Federal prosecutors (obviously fresh from a reading of “Prosecuting My Way”, by Tricia Clark) lumped all 6 of his offenses into a single verdict, providing the rat an escape route. Fittingly, Edwards now professes his deep love for the love-child he denied responsibility for…thanks for not breaking character Mr. Edwards.
3. These Dudes~
This is an actual vanity plate, seen on a Porsche Carrera parked in front of a popular Steak & Seafood joint…the most amazing thing about this car is that no one had peed on it, keyed the door, or set fire to it. Guarantee the owner is 50-something, divorced twice, wears an Ed Hardy shirt, RockStar jeans, and goes to the “T Clinic” for testosterone boosters and Viagra ‘scripts.
4/5. James Harden & Dwayne Wade ~ Had to put these two together; in about 2 weeks one of these complete douchebags will be an NBA champion (in Wade’s case, again). Wade has the inexplicable ability to assume all accolades, absorb no criticism (while LBJ gets crucified, no less), gets more calls than any player in the NBA, yet still cries and bitches like a spoiled kid on the playground. Pulled a cheap shot in the Pacers series that would have suspended any other player, somehow goes unnoticed. Harden is in my cross-hairs, has been since last year’s NBA Western Conference Finals when he faked an elbow to the temple from Tyson Chandler. This year he faked a concussion from Metta Worldpeace, and has faked at least two other injuries during the Thunder title run…and the beard….can you imagine the smell lurking in there? Unless your side gig is being an Imam, that bit is old dude.
7. Joey Crawford ~ The NBA has a problem; waaaaaay too many people know the names of NBA officials. Thanks to Tim Donaghy, we can also be pretty sure the officiating is greatly biased, if not blatantly crooked. I’m not necessarily saying Joey is a crook, but I am saying that snarly little bastard makes more suspicious calls than anyone outside of Steve Javie (Steve, as all Maverick fans can tell you, cost us an NBA title). What makes it galling is Joey seems to enjoy his reputation as the “villain.” You’re not a villain, Joey, you’re a jack-ass.
8. Home Depot Lady ~ I’m sorry, it’s a very petty and stupid, but I want to drop-kick the “Depot Time” lady straight to the curb.
9. Dick Morris ~ I really don’t have a problem with Dick (that’s what she said), but my buddy Dave is fairly adamant in his inclusion on the list. This one’s for you, Dave.
10. Robert Kennedy, Jr. ~ Discovers his wife is a raging alcoholic with Borderline Personality Disorder, so what a better way to smooth the waters than have a public affair with Cheryl Hines? Mary Kennedy decides a hangman’s noose is a better fate than dealing with another Kennedy whack-a-doo. Now he’s leaking personal information after the fact to spin the story. Still, the love affair with the Kennedys survives in America….somebody really should explain that, don’t you think?
So, June is in the books….enjoy your list, share it willingly, and suggest your own nominees for July!