Monthly DB* ratings ~ May!

“yuse want some crank juice?

We all know them…we may actually be friends with some of them, we likely have at least one extended family member who’s part of the team. “Douchebags.” Some are easy to spot, thanks to Tap Out, Ed Hardy, and Affliction, they even have their very own fashion line. Others wear the mark of the “tribe,” normally a barbwire tattoo around the arm. To be fair, none of us are completely immune – there are douchey tendencies that can suck even the manliest man over the line (I watched The Bachelor and had an opinion, ergo I was a douchebag.)

But this list isn’t ranking spares like you and I…this list is for those special folks who are in the public eye, have fame, fortune (or both), yet still feel compelled to be complete DB’s. Here are your May 2012 DB rankings:

1. Axl Rose ~ Forget for a minute that Mr. Brownstone let his ego destroy the greatest rock band since the Stones, managed to screw up a marriage to Stephanie Seymour, got cornrows (NEVER a good idea for a red-head), and took 10 years to release a crappy album under the G&R name ~ nope, the capper is pulling another hissy-fit & skipping the Guns & Roses induction into the Hall of Fame. Like Fat Albert might say, “you like a school without students….NO CLASS.”

2. Bill Maher ~ The poster boy for “snarky wise-ass,” bombastic Bill always thinks he’s the smartest guy in the room…Cornell degrees in English and History do not = genius. Somehow found himself in a position of defending the bravery of 9/11 terrorists, compared dogs to retarded children, and now he’s the mouthpiece for “Black America” in the cause to re-elect Barack Obama. If there is a Hell, I’m picturing a seat between Maher and Keith Olbermann as they contest their respective importance to the Liberal movement.

3. Skip Bayless ~ If you grew up in the DFW area, Skip is a tired act who somehow parlayed his incredible douchebaggery into an ESPN nationally syndicated gig. He’s actually more clown than douchebag, but his latest gaffe was priceless ~ claiming to have cred in his critique of All-Star NBA point guard Russell Westbrook b/c of his own high-school playing days, Skip was actually called out on live television by co-host Jalen Rose. Skip’s butt never left the pine in high school, and unfortunately for him in this era of instant information, Skip got busted.

4. James Harden ~ I’m on an island here, but bear with me. Harden, the mohawk’ed cleric-bearded 6th man for the OKC Thunder made news recently thanks to a wild elbow thrown by Ron Artest/MWP. Artest is a nut, the elbow made solid contact, Harden hit the floor like a sack of hammers. Here’s the rub – he faked the severity of the blow. A concussion was the official word, Artest is suspended for 7 playoff games, Twitter nation blows up in outrage for the poor, stricken James Harden. Bullshlaka. He’s done this before. Runs into a guy to draw contact, then hits the floor and starts the histrionics begging for a Technical foul or ejection. Missed his calling, should be in Europe flopping on a soccer pitch. 

5. Media whores ~ A collective group of parasites. Pick your own example, they are in abundance. The recent interview of Junior Seau’s mother on the day of his suicide was truly pathetic. ESPN almost wore the footage into the ether, as did several other “news” programs. Shameless. Used to be the English trash media was the standard-bearer for sensationalistic “journalism,” but it appears America is hell-bent on becoming the world leader in reporting craptastic events.

6. Albert Pujols ~ As of May 14th, Fat Albert is hitting .196 with 1 HR and 12 RBI’s; last week, Josh Hamilton had 8 HR’s and 17 RBI’s.  Self-disclosure, I’ve had a bone to pick with Albert for years; 1. No way this guy is 32., and 2. No way he’s not a juicer. Karma Police, Albert, they always get their man. The best part of this story is knowing the Anaheim Angels have 10 years and $240M tied up in this fraud.

7. Gregg Williams ~ I get the hypocrisy of thinking the Saints were/are alone in having a “kitty” for big hits. Williams takes it to a new level based on hubris – ignoring direct warnings, he cajoled and even threatened players to dummy up when investigated by the League. His timing couldn’t have been worse, as the serious issue of concussions now has a lightning rod.

8. Dan Patrick ~ You know what’s more ridiculous than listening to a pompous blow-hard on the radio? Putting that same performance on television; it’s such riveting entertainment, “see Dan talk!,” and it panders to what must be one of the world’s biggest egos. The ESPN machine continues on its’ march to rule all sports media, but could you please spare us a televised radio show?

9. Justin Bieber ~ I really have tried to avoid bagging on the kid, it’s just too easy and he’s just too young. But now the Biebs is 18, and instead of fading into obscurity he is continually popping up on my news feeds. His latest foray into douchebaggery is his inclusion in Floyd Mayweather’s “posse” during Money’s latest tilt against Miguel Cotto. If you haven’t seen the image of Bieber mugging the cameras next to Fifty Cent and L’il Wayne, it defies explanation to have this little femme-bot in a boxing ring with this crew.

10. Pauly D/Bethenny Frankel ~ I lumped these two together; why? Both symbolize the epitome of the “famous because we’re famous” epidemic that has consumed America, and because both now have their very own line of liquor – that’s right, Douchebags now have their own official beverage. So, instead of Grey Goose on ice perhaps you’d like a Pauly D fruit vodka with a sparkler and paper umbrella?

 

Others considered: CJ Wilson, some dude who cut me off in traffic, Josh Beckett, Mark Cuban, and Joe Panther

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