We all know them…we may actually be friends with some of them, we likely have at least one extended family member who’s part of the team. “Douchebags.” Some are easy to spot, thanks to Ed Hardy, Affliction, and lycra shorts they even have their very own fashion line. Others wear the mark of the “tribe,” normally a barbwire tattoo around the arm. To be fair, none of us are completely immune – there are douchey tendencies that can suck even the manliest man over the line (got spray-tanned, ergo I was a douche.)
But this list isn’t ranking spares like you and I…this list is for those special folks who are in the public eye, have fame, fortune (or both), yet still feel compelled to be complete DB’s. Here are your April 2012 DB rankings:
1. Bobby Petrino ~ Karma Police came down rather swiftly for ol’ Bobby. Following the trail blazed by so many before him, this poor bastard couldn’t keep his trousers on & is paying a pretty substantial price. Job, wife, reputation, Harley, and face, all gone.
2. Jessica Dorrell ~ That’s right, we’re fair & equal here…the Kardashian’s broke thru the gender barrier for douchery, and Ms. Dorrell is a perfect example of a worthy candidate. She’s a victim…..of really bad judgment. Home-wrecker, and on top of that has made her fiancee look like a complete cuckold.
3. Ashton Kutcher ~ Added to his legacy by actually upstaging the CMA artists…he offended Nashville Country, something that should be impossible. In March, I joked that an album was all that was missing from Ashton’s dossier…Call me Nostradoucheus, ‘cuz he was crooning a country tune at the CMA’s. Just watch.
4. Keith Olbermann ~ Hard to believe this guy was so likable on ESPN back in the 90’s. Just got fired by Al Gore, the equivalent to George Bush firing Rush Limbaugh. One reason cited was Olbermann’s complaint that his “…limo drivers are speaking to me.”
5. Adam Levine ~ Not sure how he missed the March list; Adam’s on the fast-track to Kutcherdom. George Michael beard, tattoo “sleeve,” skinny jeans, overly vibratic falsetto, and now a talent judge on reality TV…the kicker? Now claiming he has a “sex addiction.” Dude. Every single man in his 30’s is a sex addict. Shut up.
6. John Mayer ~ He was Adam Levine before Adam Levine. The two are indistinguishable; talented musicians who have instead used their powers for the sake of evil. Lex Luthors, both of ’em.
7. Jeremy Shockey ~ Accused of being the snitch in “Bounty-gate”; made the 3-yard reception a category of celebration. Tattoo sleeve, big dummy, former Miami Hurricane.
8. Warren Sapp ~ Accused Shockey (on TWITTER) of said snitch-dom; pissed off Karma Police; exposed as a deadbeat Dad while owning 240 pairs of Air Jordans & filing for bankruptcy. To paraphrase Forrest Gump, “Douchebag is as douchebag does.”
9. Lamar Odom ~ Already the focus of a blog accusing him of theft, Odom was finally put on the Inactive list by the Mavericks. Lifeless, gutless, worthless. Reality (?) TV “Co-star” with his wife, which leads us to….
10. Kardashian ~ pick one, any one; Kim, Khloe, Kiki, Rob, Bob, Fleegel, Bingo, Drooper, & Snork. Not only is this family a douche factory, they are carriers of the virus. Bruce Jenner is/was an American Hero – look at him now. Reggie Bush & Lamar Odom are shadows of their former selves. Kris Humphries is BOOED in every NBA arena. Kanye, are you paying attention bro?