We all know them…we may actually be friends with some of them, we likely have at least one extended family member who’s part of the team. Douchebags. Some are easy to spot, thanks to Ed Hardy and Affliction they have their very own fashion line. None of us are completely immune, there are douchey tendencies that can suck even the manliest man over the line (shaved my chest before, ergo, I became a douche).
But this list isn’t ranking spares like you and I…this list is for those special folks who are in the public eye, have fame, fortune (or both), yet still feel compelled to be complete DB’s. So here are your March 2012 DB rankings:
1. Ashton Kutcher ~ This guy may need his number retired; his douchey residue follows him into all manners of media, including his commercials. All that’s left for Ashton is an album release – we can only pray.
2. Kim Kardashian ~ Single-handedly broke the gender barrier in this category. She’s an enigma. So stupid, so tore up, so completely whorish, and an ass that looks like the back of a VW Bug. Tell your children that yes, you too can be famous, all it takes is a sex-tape and 4 pairs of Spanxx. Also answers the question, “can a woman be a douchebag?”
3. The Bachelor ~ Pick one, any one. (I’m probably slipping into douchey territory acknowledging I even know this show exists, but I’m married so suck it).
4. Tom Brady ~ 3 Superbowl rings, super-model wife, baby-daddy with Bridget Moynihan, can this poor guy catch a break? But when he grew the Brad Pitt show-hair, that cemented him as a world-class DB.
5. John Edwards ~ This guy was almost Vice-President Douchebag. Along with John Kerry, could have created a black hole of douchery powerful enough to suck our entire country into the abyss. Makes Clinton look like a Quaker. Dead ringer for Kenneth the Page on 30 Rock or “Jack” from Will & Grace. Neither is complimentary.
6. The cast of Jersey Shore ~ GTL. ’nuff said.
7. Jason Aldean ~ Looks like the offspring of Brooks and Dunn, borrowed the DB maneuver of pulling his hat down real sexy low, wears two earrings, and epitomizes Nashville Country. That may be the cruelest cut of all.
8. Jimmy Fallon ~ Mr. Big Britches. All growns-up since SNL, dishing out a nightly beating to a national audience. But what gets me the most is his eyes..”lifeless eyes, like a doll’s eyes. Until they bite you,and the eyes roll over white.”
9. Derek Jeter ~ Watch an at-bat. Wince. Watch Mr. Jangly run the bases. Cringe. You just know there has been a lot of time spent in the mirror practicing our mannerisms. Could be cast in Jersey Shore & not be noticed. He’s often over-looked because of the innate douchiness of A-Rod, but the trained eye can see right past Alex…he’s just trying to be Jeter.
10. Tucker Max ~ start with the ridiculous name…author of “I hope they serve beer in Hell”; author of another book, certain to be douchier than the first. Smug, so smug. I’m sure they do serve beer in Hell, Tucker, you can keep a stool warm for one of the Kardashians.
Just missed ~ Ryan Seacrest, Kenny Chesney, Lance Armstrong, and this old dude who is always at the local Starbuck’s…65 years old, colors his hair red, tanning booth junkie, starches his jeans. Dude, if I knew your name, you’d crack the Top 5.